Most parents are not experienced in dealing with crisis and their emotions get in the way without them seeing that they are in the way. The way you respond to crisis situation is determined based on a combination of: Past experiences, how you deal with crisis, your relationship to the person suffering, how in control of your emotions you are.
This means sometimes YOU get in the way of the outcome you are trying to achieve.
So, please remember it’s not you – these are simply common pitfalls. It helps to look at them with an eye of constructive criticism. Ask yourself: How can I improve so that I can provide the best care for my depressed teen and get them the help they need?
I’ve summed them up and given them silly names so you can easily identify with the categories you may see yourself in. You’ll also find my quick “go-to” tips for success when trying to help a depressed teen:
THE ENABLER
This one is a classic. An enabler is always “saving” their loved one from short-term pain. Or is being too nice when they instinctively know they should be doing something else. For instance, this is the mom that gives her alcoholic son money to buy alcohol because she doesn’t want to see him suffer from withdrawal, though she knows she probably shouldn’t do this.
Why it’s ineffective:
You get in the way of the person using their own thinking and learning how to overcome their own issues. In many cases, it creates more long term pain and makes the situation far worse.
Remember this:
- Challenge is good for people. Let them be challenged. Only step into to “save” someone when they authentically can’t do something and require help.
- Sometimes breakdowns are good for people. When a person gets to a breaking point they can see the problems for themselves. The only way out of pain is towards pleasure, so when they hit a pain threshold it will naturally force them to make a change.
- Encourage don’t do. You are not them. You can point them in the right direction and help guide them, but ultimately they need to go through life and deal with their problems so they learn how to cope with crisis proactively.
SHERLOCK
If you are acting as part investigator and part doctor, you may fall into this category. This type of caregiver thinks they can solve the problem and becomes consumed with finding the answer, the cure that will fix everything. They put all their energy into getting to the bottom of the problem. They think they know just as much as doctor does and can figure things out from researching Google. They push their struggling family member or friend to try one method of help. If it doesn’t work, right away they push them to go somewhere else.
Why it’s ineffective:
You’re not a trained medical doctor. It’s not your job to figure out what’s wrong and solve the problem. Your “think you know” attitude could actually waste your struggling friend or family member time. It’s important to get educated and to try and understand, BUT, leave treatment to the experts.
Remember this:
- Don’t try and solve depression issues without a trained medical professional or a team of healthcare providers (it always helps to get more than one opinion).
- Don’t resist recommended treatments that are suggested for your loved because you think you know better.
THE “YOU SHOULD”-ER
This is the loved one that gives advice on what their family member or friend should or shouldn’t do, in their opinion. When the family member or friend doesn’t take the advice that’s been give the “You Should”-er gets mad and resentful. Then, they often discontinue help altogether as punishment because they’re pissed the practical advice they gave wasn’t taken.
Why it’s ineffective:
This pushes the struggling loved one away. They often feel bad that they are not doing what you want them to do, though they either can’t or authentically don’t feel it’s the right strategy for them. Or, they do what you want them to do, to make you happy, even if it doesn’t feel right to them. This commonly leads to resent from one or both parties. It puts a wedge in the relationship.
Practical advice:
- Giving advice can be helpful, but NEVER expect a person to do what you want them to do, even if you think it’s what they should do. They are still in charge of their life and are free to make their own choices. If you think them not taking your advice is not a good idea, then okay, that’s fine. Don’t punish them. Let them do what they believe will help and they can find out for themselves what works.
- Only step in and make decisions for them when it’s clear they can’t do it themself.
THE POSSIBILITY SQUASHER
The caregiver with a Possibility Squasher behavior relates to the person as their sickness. In terms of mental health issues, this often means relating to the person as if they are not fully sane, or that they are not capable of fulfilling basic tasks in life. If you are relating to your loved one that they are inadequate in some way versus simply seeing them as a fully capably human being with a physical condition that’s treatable, then you could fall into this category.
Why it’s ineffective:
When you label any human being you limit their true potential. Your actions towards them reinforce what you think of them. For example, if you’re understanding of depression is that they are unable to get out of bed, you may allow them to stay in bed all day. That doesn’t help. They get off the hook and get used to being allowed to sleep. You need to understand what they can do and challenge them slightly. This will hold them to a higher standard and force them to keep trying.
Remember this:
- Hold them to their highest potential. Look at what is challenging to them and make sure you allow them to be challenged a little. It’s good for them.
- Start believing that the life you want for them, or the life they dream about for themselves, is possible. This will dramatically shift the way you relate to them. And shift what they see they can achieve, which will encourage more positive behaviors.
THE UNEDUCATED BULLY:
If you’ve never had major depression or know someone who has, OR if you’ve had it and think you know what the other person is feeling and dealing with, your being a know-it-all with no room to do that. You are not them. You can’t ever understand what they are going through or feeling. And, if you know nothing about depression and base your opinions on assumptions or what you’ve heard, consider you know nothing. Your lack of knowledge could hurt them. This personality type would be the person who says to their loved one “pull yourself together”.
Why it’s ineffective:
Behaving like this will make them HATE you. They will also start to hate themselves because they may feel they don’t measure up or may question why they can’t just “pull themselves together”.
Remember this:
- You are not them nor are you able to get in their body and experience what they are experiencing.
- Major depression is a neurological disorder. You can’t see it because it happens in the brain. It should be thought of like a physical illness, like a broken leg.
- Get educated !
- Start listening and understanding. Sometimes people just want to be understood.
THE SLOW-TO-ACT SLOTH:
If you’ve been watching your loved one struggle but you’re telling yourself “maybe they’ll feel better tomorrow” and you’ve been doing this for a long time, you could fall into this category. It’s part human nature to believe we have all the time in the world to solve something. If you chronically put things off or avoid doing things until you absolutely have to, understand that in most cases, the situation itself gets worse with time. Which in this case, means, your friend or family member gets sicker.
Why it’s ineffective:
A person with untreated depression will only get sicker. The longer they are sick, the more damage occurs and the longer it takes to reverse. Avoiding can also lead them to considering suicide, actually making a suicidal attempt or death.
Remember this:
- If they’ve been struggling and their mood has been noticeably getting worse and interfering with their life for two weeks they need help NOW. DON’T WAIT.
- If you’re worried someone is suicidal NEVER LEAVE THEM ALONE! Even if it gets in the way of your life. It’s not worth taking the chance.
THE IN-YOUR-HEAD THINKER:
If you’re doing less talking with your loved but lots of thinking about them – like, you can’t sleep at night – you could be exhibiting this caregiver style. If you’re thinking too much in your head and not sharing what you’re dealing with people you can talk to and you’re not communicating with the sick individual about what they are dealing with, then you’re likely inflating reality in your head. This is common in parents with teens who don’t know how to communicate with them, so they simply take to worrying about them and then make them go see therapists.
Why it’s ineffective:
Your thoughts are unreliable. When you spend too much time thinking you often start to see the situation as worse than it is or not as bad as it is. You stop seeing the reality. And then you end up treating the what you think is the problem.
Remember this:
- Communicate with your loved one. If you don’t know how to effectively communicate, learn. This is key!